13 March 2016 @ 06:58 pm
[Fire Emblem Fates] P.1 Gaiden [P.1.8] Chapters 1-5 Commentary  

This time featuring a male Corrin, because why not?



If you haven't played Fire Emblem Fates, there be spoilers. If you have, it's safe to read, just click the cut.

(This was taken from my liveplurk. Some things have been omitted or changed for the DW audience, but a lot of it is taken wholesale. This includes me lightly riffing on things.)


Avatar Creation

Here have Hikaru (which in case you forgot, that's what "Karu" is short for). Of course I gave him an eyepatch, they all have the eyepatch, maybe he wanted to be a pirate in a past life, maybe he was a pirate in a past life, maybe he only has one eye. You don't know. Don't judge him. It's the Royal Eyepatch of Nohr. I also went with Cam Clarke as his voice because Cam Clarke is fiiiiine. Lexi would be pleased! I would've chosen Yuri Lowenthal, but then I am reminded that Marth suddenly speaks English and then that weird and strangely uncomfortable feeling comes back.

Marth will always, in my mind, be voiced by Midorikawa Hikaru and only him kthnxbai

I find it interesting that my female avatars always end up being named Karu (or Kyaru if I fuck up my own name like I did in Awakening) and my male ones Hikaru, idk why that is but that's how I roll (probably because Karu sounds more feminine? I don't know). My first avatar of every game always gets my birthday, the second one usually gets 2 May for Reasons. So while this isn't my second playthrough technically (it's more Playthrough 1 Gaiden), I'm gonna give him all the things I'd give my secondary.

So we'll give this one 2 May for a birthday (because he's named Hikaru and that is Midorikawa Hikaru's bday), and since I have a cavalier secondary class in another playthrough and I don't want to overlap, we'll make him be potentially a Sky Knight. I don't reclass normally, but eh, you never know.

My avatar has Resting Bitch Face omfg also he has no idea wtf a hair brush is.
What a catch he is don't you want his Nohrian dick? I know I do. I'd rather have Xander's actually.



Prologue

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF FIRE EMBLEM FATES where there are some feels and some hard times, but it's all a whole lot of fun! We begin kind of in media res and who the hell are any of these people? Sure are a lot of gingers up in here, and I'm one of them. There's also a whole lot of green/allied units IS THERE A BATTLE GOING ON? Why are we even fighting?

Hinoka: The Nohrians don't stand a chance!
Don't talk shit about my Nohrian family, Hinoka you don't even know them.

The goal of this is to rout the enemy, and by "rout the enemy" it means "kill two people" because I guess the other enemies no one gives a fuck about? Because who cares about those guys over there they're someone else's problem clearly.

You kill this axe dude, because he's red and therefore an enemy. Poke!

I gotta say I prefer f!Corrin's ending flourish probably because it reminds me of Chrom, this one just makes me think "hmm show off" altho it kind of reminds me of Roy's down d-pad taunt but what do I know.

And then I killed this other asshole and Takumi helped, like we're shaking and baking some chicken or something.

Ryoma: Hikaru is my brother fuck off!
Xander: no you fuck off, Hikaru is my brother!

This is almost like Romeo and Juliet, but with stepsiblings.

Xander: We have loved you and raised you since you were a child.
Xander: Come home, little prince. We can live as a family once more!

Mmm yes. This is true. You make a good point.

Also idk how old Xander and Ryoma are, I would say probs at least 18? But... YOU ARE FIGHTING LIKE FIVE YEAR OLDS WHO BOTH WANT TO PLAY WITH THE SAME TOY. You're adults! Act like it!

Chapter 1

The reason why it was only two enemies despite 98549534 on the map is because this is a dream sequence and Corrin gets woken up. Rude. Rise and shine, Hikaru! Time to go train with Xander.

Jakob: So what was your dream about, Lord Hikaru?
Hikaru: Well idk there were some Hoshidans calling me their brother but wtf I ain't no Hoshidan!

I noticed that sometimes Xander says "little Prince" and others it's "little prince" lol what is consistency? People were whinging over the localisation fucking up characterisation or some shit (I didn't give a fuck nor did I pay attention to all the wehhhhh) and here I am just like LOL CONSISTENCY and you know, I can point these things out and still enjoy the game imagine that. Life's too short to spend time and energy hating shit.

ANYWAY chapter one is scripted. I suppose you could lose, theoretically, if you tried really hard, but since the first few chapters are essentially tutorials, I think you would have to try really, really, really hard since I don't think Xander ever attacks on his turn.

You know when I first played this chapter and Xander was like, "Well you have draconic blood in your veins too, you should be able to sense dragon veins," I was SO SCARED that we would find out that Corrin had no dragon blood at all and that's why s/he couldn't sense the dragon veins...and that therefore she was either not a Nohrian royal or s/he was some kind of runt. But then it turns s/he just hasn't honed in on that shit yet but man, wouldn't that have been an interesting twist?

(I may have to write it.)

Felicia: To be honest, I was never that great at the domestic stuff anyway.
Me too, Felicia. Me too.

Chapter 2
So we end up having to kill prisoners to prove ourselves to our father, who is kind of a dick imo. Who are these prisoners?
We have Rinkah, who is a p important person in the Fire Tribe and no she's not related to Zuko...and we have Kaze, who is fucking hot.

Rinkah: Who are you, Nohrian prince?
Hikaru: Um. I'm Hikaru.
Kaze: Hikaru?! I was in love with a man by that name once...

And now to kill them FOR NOHR or whatever, maybe it's for peer pressure. BUT WAIT. Hikaru objects to this, life is too precious, etc. etc.

Hikaru: You want me to execute innocent people?!
Garon: Um. Yes. That is what I told you to do.
Hikaru: But that's cruel!
Garon: Yes. I am a cruel man. You should know this. I am your father and what not.
Hikaru: Lies
Hikaru: Father, please, I am a peaceful fighter!
Garon: That doesn't even make sense.

sure it does you can be a pacifist and like, idk, a Gundam pilot so why can't I be a pacifist fighter?! don't rain on my parade, Dad!

So we beat them up and refuse to kill them so Garon decides to take this shit into his own hands.
Garon: say goodbye to the ninja!
Hikaru: No! He's too hot to incinerate! /blocks
All in attendance: Hikaru, wtf?!
Xander: Father, please forgive him, he knows not what he does!
Garon: lol k go kill them then
Xander: Well--
Garon: And kill anyone who gets in your way.
Xander: Fuck
Camilla: Uh oh. Please, Hikaru, don't fight Xander... My dear, sweet Hikaru...
Elise: Leo do something!
Leo: WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!

because you're the little brother you're the fall guy
that's the whole point of younger siblings
/says the baby of the family

So Leo "kills" them. This upsets Hikaru.

Hikaru: Leo how could you kill them they were innocent they weren't armed and and and
Leo: Hikaru. I know. That is why I "killed" them.
Hikaru: BUT WHY
Xander: Enough both of you god
Xander: One day your kindness will kill you
Hikaru: if it does I'll come back next turn tho it's fine

(Phoenix Mode 4 lyfe)

So Xander tells them to gtfo. Rinkah swears revenge, Kaze just runs off in silence. Poor Kaze. It must hurt knowing that Hikaru is with these people and all he can do is retreat.

Chapter 3
Today we must apologise to Father. Elise decides to help.

Elise: okay, Hikaru. if you tell Father you're really sorry, he might only give you the rack instead of kill you!
Hikaru: Um. Thanks.
Elise: But maybe if I explain things, he'll actually forgive you! You're his son and everything, he has to forgive you...

well idk man he just basically told Xander to kill me
which I mean if anyone had to kill me I'd rather it be Xander
since I can't get impaled on his other sword this playthrough
(that's what fanfic is for)

Elise: Father? Hikaru has something he would like to say to you...
Garon: /evil Ganondorf like laughter
Elise: Oh dear, Father's having one of his fits again.
Hikaru: Father, I'm sorry.
Garon: Normally you'd be dead. But you're my son, so I'll punish you by sending you to a trap--I mean, sending you on a scouting mission.
Iago: Good job, Garon.

Elise: Don't try to scare Hikaru so much! You're such a worrywart! This is why we can't have nice things! /slaps Leo upside the head
Leo: Ouch! What was that for?
Elise: For being an idiot!
Leo: Okay.
Camilla: I'll just have to come along and make sure my darling Hikaru is safe!
Iago: lolno
Camilla: No one asked you, Iago. You're named after Jafar's idiot and annoying bird sidekick from Aladdin.
Iago: It's not my fault!
Elise: His name is Iago but he sounds like Zazu from The Lion King.
Hikaru: Camilla it's fine. I'll be okay alone.
Garon: I'm not THAT cold-hearted jfc what kind of father do you take me for?!
Hikaru: A terrible one.
Garon: Well sometimes a spade is a spade.
Garon: I'll give you this scary man!
Hans: /garbled
Hikaru: ...thanks, Dad.
Xander: Don't trust him. I arrested him for being a dick a few years back. He still is one.
Xander: Plus you can't trust someone who doesn't wear pants and just has a codpiece.
Xander: But he is a good soldier. He just sucks at being a decent human being.

SO OFF TO THE FORTRESS WE GO only to find out that it is, in fact, filled with Hoshidan soldiers.
Hikaru: I thought Father said this fortress was abandoned?! There's 12 people here does that look abandoned to you?!
Gunter: Look I'm just a Jagen archetype I have no idea what your father is doing.
(Don't think Garon knows what he's doing either.)

Felicia: what do
Hikaru: Turn around and tell Father that this shit is DEF NOT ABANDONED sounds about right
Gunter: Mm yes that is wise counsel.
Hans: HANS SMASH
Hikaru: Oh ffs.
Hikaru: WHAT ARE YOU DOING MUTHERFUKER?!?!

Well that didn't work out so well now did it?

Objective: SEIZE THE BUILDING

Hikaru: /uses a Dragon Vein to make a bridge
Hoshidan: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK THIS BRIDGE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE
Hans: /evil laugh/ Looks like my plan is working... Let's see how this comes together...

hmm I can just seize the building OR I can just kill everyone...
Think I'll just kill everyone. :D
took 20 turns (which is so much longer than the 5-7 to just seize the building) but I killed everything.

Hikaru: Well I mean I did complete the mission...
Saizo: You're the leader of these troops? Pah. You're nothing more than a boy.

Saizo dude
don't underestimate someone because of their age that will end badly for you (pls learn from Zechs)

Saizo: btw I'm Saizo, perhaps you've met my twin brother Kaze.
Hikaru: ...wtf how are the two of you twins?!
Saizo: DIE!
Xander: no fuck you
Hikaru: Big brother!
Camilla: Who dares attack my beloved Hikaru? I'll have their heads on a platter!

So it's time to gtfo because there's no way we can take on more Hoshidans without some kind of backup. Back to this rickety old bridge, Charlie!

Gunter: I hate this bridge it's going to fall apart any second
Hans: lol p much
Gunter: huh?
Hans: Means I'm gonna kill you, old man
Gunter: oh.

Gunter is knocked off the bridge.

Hikaru: wtf Hans?!
Hans: Oh I'm sorry did I just kill your babysitter?
Hikaru: I will fuck you up, son
Hans: the fuck are you doing with your arm
Hikaru: GET REKT
Hikaru: WHY DID YOU KILL GUNTER
Hans: Because your dad hates Jagens!
Hikaru's sword: LET'S COMMIT SUICIDE
Hikaru: what no

Hikaru sails off the bridge after Gunter.

Hikaru: NOOOOOOOoooooooooo.......
Hikaru: Well I'm fucked.
Hikaru: And not even in the good way--Lilith?!
Hikaru: Lilith what the fuck?!
Lilith: Yes, it's true. I am a flying fish thing.
Hikaru: My god. How long have you truly been this way?
Lilith: This is my true form!
Hikaru: Good thing I didn't bang you then.
Lilith: Do you remember that bird you rescued?
Hikaru: Yeah. It was a really weird looking bird, but I didn't want the poor thing to die alone.
Hikaru: ...waitaminute YOU WERE THAT BIRD?!
Lilith: Yes. I was able to become human. Or at least look human. And I decided to serve you because you saved me! But now I'm kind of stuck as this floating fish bird thing.
Hikaru: you know you can drop me I don't mind dying

Lilith: TO THE ASTRAL PLANE
Hikaru: a-are we getting married?!
Lilith: No. Let me give you a place to rest.
Hikaru: ...I HAVE A TREEHOUSE?! Oh sweet!
Hikaru: Are there any other people here?
Lilith: No. They're all dead.
Hikaru: Oh. Sorry.
Lilith: It's okay so long as you're with me, Hikaru.
Hikaru: Um...
Hikaru: I'm sorry but I am completely 100 percent ga--
Lilith: You should rest!

But now it's time to go back to the real, non-astral world because shit needs to be done.
Hikaru: So uh where did everyone go?
Rinkah: YOU'RE MINE, NOHRIAN! /knocks Hikaru out
Hikaru: well fuck

Chapter 4
We wake up in an unfamiliar place.

Hikaru: Oh fuck I've been KIDNAPPED
Rinkah: Sorry about kidnapping you.
Rinkah: Also I'm gonna hand you over to the Hoshidan police.
Hikaru: I didn't mean to attack your people but if you're gonna kill me, kill me.
Rinkah: Nope I don't think so.

Hikaru: Oh hi Kaze.
Kaze: OH THANK GOD WE FOUND YOU, PRINCE HIKARU.
Hikaru: Um.
Hikaru: You're Hoshidans. Why do you care about a Nohrian prince?
Kaze: It's a long story but basically you are a long lost Hoshidan prince who was kidnapped by the Nohrians.
Hikaru: What.
Kaze: Haven't you wondered why your siblings are blond and you're not?
Hikaru: Well Camilla isn't blonde, so no.

SO IT'S TIME TO HEAD OUT.

Kaze: I have returned, Lord Ryoma.
Ryoma: Excellent work. Good boy.
Hikaru: ...oh. He's your prince. Well if you're gonna kill me, get on with it, I don't have all day.

omfg I think my hair style has the same fringe as Mikoto's
proof I am her son

Mikoto: Oh Hikaru...
Hikaru: Um. Who are you?
Mikoto: Come here, Hikaru, my sweet child!
Hikaru: Um. Ummmm. What? No. No no you're not my mom. Ahahaha. Funny jokes you Hoshidans like to play!
Mikoto: It's a sad story filled with kidnappings and me thinking you were dead.
Hikaru: Well that sucks and all but seriously that's not my problem, lady!
Ryoma: Well it is your problem because she is your mother!
Hikaru: You sound like my BFF from another universe.
Ryoma: btw I'm your brother.
Ryoma: /exposition
Hika: You're full of shit.
Ryoma: YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS?!
Hika: I don't remember much of my childhood.
Ryoma: Well I don't imagine that the Nohrians told you much about your past.
Hika: Well no shit.

AND THEN A SOLDIER APPEARS
Soldier: Um excuse me but we're kind of under attack
Ryoma: what?!
Ryoma: But my sisters are in that area! Hikaru, come with me, you can see how terrible the Nohrians really are!

Sakura: well fuck me I sprained my damn ankle!
Hinoka: It's okay, sis.

hurray chapter four is ROUT THE ENEMY

wow Kaze survived with 1hp I am impressed sir

Hikaru: Hey, r u ok?
Hinoka: who the hell are you? In any case we're fine, I got this
Hika: well okay I'm glad you're okay and we're here if you need someone.
Hinoka: ...wait a minute
Hika: Mm?
Hinoka: thanks. Here have some healing items.
Hika: Cool.
Hinoka: btw what's your name?
Hika: It's Hikaru.
Hinoka: ...Hikaru?!
Hinoka: But that's the name of my brother!

oh Kaze wtf kind of level up was that?
fucking SPD increase and that was it

Sakura: Thanks for helping us out. Who are you?
Hika: My name is--
Hinoka: His name is Hikaru.
Sakura: Um. Hinoka? Are you okay?
Hinoka: /ugly crais
Hika: Um.
Ryoma: LOL she liked you a lot when you were little. Too bad you don't remember it. She cried for months when those bastard Nohrians took you.
Ryoma: And then one day she picked up a naginata and vowed revenge. If you end up her enemy, you'll probs regret your life decisions.
Hika: Oh...
Hinoka: Take that, Nohrian scumbags!
Hika: What were those things anyway?
Ryoma: Risen. I mean, Faceless. Yes. Faceless. Nohrian mages create them because they're a bunch of spineless assholes.
Hinoka: I call them "dead meat".
Hinoka: We have a magical shield of convenience where soldiers can't fight us in our own kingdom, so as long as Mother doesn't, you know, die, Nohr can't invade!

orly

Mikoto: Here's your old room.
Hika: What's this?
Mikoto: It's a wonderful family portrait you drew when you were but a little boy. This is your father, this is me, and this is you.
Mikoto: I haven't touched a thing in this room. There was always the hope that you would come back.
Mikoto: And how the hell was I supposed to know that you would grow up to be so handsome?!
Hika: Well this is touching and all but I still don't remember anything.
Mikoto: Hmm?
Hika: Look this is totes awks af I mean I can buy being your son and all but like... You're all strangers to me.
Mikoto: It's all right, Hikaru. We understand.
Hika: I feel like a piece of shit because here you are as my mother and I don't feel a thing for you.
Mikoto: Please... It's understandable since you grew up in Nohr.
Mikoto: But it would be nice if we could be a family again.
Mikoto: Until then, just make yourself as comfortable as you can.

As you can see I didn't riff too much on the stuff with Mikoto since I feel so so so bad for her. To sit there for years - YEARS - wondering if she will ever see her child again, passing by their room and seeing everything left as it was since that fateful day. Hoping and praying they'll return. Just that wanting to see someone again and knowing that it is very possible you never will. I have felt that. I still do, but when I was younger it was a lot stronger. Knowing that your family isn't even whole anymore.

I can relate on a level of missing someone you will likely never see again and having nothing but memories. So I feel it as a player but I also feel it as Corrin.

Hika: I can't stop thinking about Xander.
Well I mean who can tbh

SO WE GO EXPLORING because Mikoto said we could do that and we hear some singing.
Azura: can you be helped
Hika: oops sorry I was distracted by your voice I tend to do that
Azura: You must be Prince Hikaru.

everyone knows Hika gets a boner for sexy voices

still do not agree with the ahZOORuh pronunciation but anyway

Azura: I'm AH-zur-uh. A former Nohrian princess who was kidnapped.
Hika: ...oh dear.
Azura: Isn't it funny how we're both technically hostages because our kingdoms hate each other that much?
Hika: Um. Not really. It's kind of...depressing.
Azura: Well I've been treated well so I can't exactly complain much.
Azura: Even Queen Mikoto treats me as if I were her own daughter...
Hika: /SIGH
Azura: u ok?
Hika: Mikoto seems great and all but I don't feel anything. She loves me, my siblings love me, but I don't know any of these people.
Azura: Well I'm sure if I returned to Nohr and met all of my Nohrian siblings, I would feel the same way.
Hika: Would you be able to live there?
Azura: No. I wouldn't be able to. I'd stay in Hoshido if given a choice.
Hika: Why is that?
Azura: Well... Queen Mikoto is nice. King Garon is an asshole.
Hika: ...well you're not wrong
Azura: So what are you going to do?
Hika: idefk, my bff azura

bullshit you don't
you're siding with--

Chapter 5
Mikoto: Are you feeling better?
Hika: Yes, thanks for giving me space.
Mikoto: Good! I have a small favour to ask. Would you sit on the throne?
Hika: ...what
Mikoto: Sit on the throne. It has special powers that will bring back your memories like ZERO System did with Trowa in that one episode of Gundam Wing.
Hika: I didn't know you were into anime.
Mikoto: I needed SOMETHING to do outside of cry hysterically over my missing child!
Mikoto: But anyway. It is said that whoever sits on this throne will regain their true self.
Hika: Do you think I'm some Nohrian spy?
Mikoto: No. I'm wondering more if they sealed your memories.
Hika: So what is this special throne called?
Mikoto: Throne Ex Machina.
Mikoto: I'm hoping it can bring back your memories... Those sweet memories of me and your siblings...
Hika: ...
Mikoto: No pressure or anything.
Yukimura: btw the ceremony no one knew about is about to start, Lady Mikoto!

at least Hikaru looks like he could be a Hoshidan royal since his hair is the same colour as Hinoka's and Sakura's.
but Corrin by default has the same hair as Takumi so

Hika: what's this ceremony for?
Mikoto: I'm going to tell everyone that you're here, of course.
Mikoto: Everyone thinks you're a Nohrian spy and I want to tell them that you're not.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING BAD HAPPENING IN THIS CHAPTER NOPE
Ohhhh I'm so sorry Hoshidan siblings

Yukimura: I think his return is a sign from the Gods.
Ryoma: I hope it's not an omen.
Yukimura: Well why would it be?
Ryoma: Have you forgotten that Nohr probably wants Hikaru back???
Ryoma: Sure, Hikaru is rightfully ours, but they raised him. I'm sure they have a special attachment to him... They're going to be displeased af.

(Meanwhile...
Camilla: I will tear down every last Hoshidan if they touched one single strand of hair on my darling Hikaru's head!)

Hika: I like it here.
Azura: Me too.
Takumi: DON'T GET TOO COMFY, DICKWAD
Hika: Um. Excuse me?
Takumi: Shouldn't you be going back to those Nohr assholes soon?!
Azura: Takumi--
Takumi: Fuck off, Azura, you're just as bad!

Takumi you are the reason Hikaru will go back to Nohr
you have no one to blame but yourself for being a dick

Hika: You know, I'm very close with a girl in Nohr who's around your age.
Sakura: Is she your girlfriend?
Hika: Actually, no, she's my--
Hinoka: Let's go to the ceremony!
Hika: Do I even like girls???

OH NO
NO NO
NOOOO
OH MY GOD
SHE DOESN'T DIE UNTIL SHE KNOWS YOU'RE OKAY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Hika: /turns into a dragon
Ryoma: first Emm and now this wtf is my life?!
Takumi: The fuck?!
Ryoma: I believe that is a dragon.
Takumi: HOLY SHIT
Azura: Hikaru? There are enemies carrying wyrmslay--
Hika: HIKARU SMAAAAAAAASH

Faceless: /kills Kaze
Ryoma: Be careful everyone, these are no ordinary Faceless! One wrong move will end you!

too little too late there

(Phoenix Mode 4 lyfe)

you know, Hikaru as a dragon looks like a Pokemon crossed over with something from an HR Giger artwork.

Hika: /RAMPAGE
Azura: Kill me if you want...but do it as yourself instead of hiding behind a dragon.
Hika: /becomes human again/ wtf was that
Hika: OH ALSO I GOT MY MEMORIES BACK GUYS
Azura: Are you all right?
Hika: Sort of but wtf is happening with my cape? It's kind of floating in the air like I'm facing a wind gust!

Observe:


Hika: Holy fuck I should be asking you if you're okay I nearly killed you AS A DRAGON someone fucking give me Falchion I'll end myself.
Azura: Um it's okay, Hikaru. You weren't yourself.
Azura: It was that ancient dragon that lives inside you. He's kind of a dickish roommate tho
Hika: wait I thought Nohrians were the only ones with dragon blood?
Ryoma: No we can do that too but you're the only one who can turn into a fucking dragon
Hika: well fuck that WHERE DID ALL THE PEOPLE GO
Azura: Well...
Hika: I FUCKED UP SO BAD GUYS
Hika: SO BAD SERIOUSLY GET A DIVINE WEAPON OR FALCHION AND JUST KILL ME
Ryoma: We'll say this is the fault of Nohrians.
Hika: in case you forgot Ryoma I WAS RAISED BY NOHRIANS which means that it is MY FUCKING FAULT what a piece of shit I am
Ryoma: No no no, Hikaru. Listen. That sword, was it a gift from King Garon?
Hika: Yeah. It's the first gift my father has ever given me.
Ryoma: Then this is his doing, not yours.
Hika: BUT WHY WOULD HE DO THIS THIS IS THE SHITTIEST THING TO EVER DO
Hika: HE KILLED MY MOTHER
Hika: and all she wanted...was to see me...
Takumi: YEAH WELL FUCK YOU THIS IS YOUR FAULT
Ryoma: ffs Takumi we've been over this
Takumi: SUCK MY HOSHIDAN PRINCELY DICK, NOHRIAN SCUM
Hika: The only princely D I would ever go after would be Xander's. Maybe Leo's. Definitely not yours.
Hika: In any case I'm sorry.
Takumi: Yeah? Well sorry won't bring my DEAD MOTHER BACK you fucking piece of shit GO SUCK KING GORON'S DICK
Ryoma: ...you mean King Garon.
Takumi: HIS TOO

(Takumi is secretly a Legend of Zelda fan apparently.)

Takumi: AND YOU KILLED EVERYONE YOU FUCKING SUCK EAT DIVINE ARROWS
Takumi: YOU DON'T BELONG HERE JUST GO FUCKING JUMP IN THE BOTTOMLESS PIT YOU--
Ryoma: Enough, Takumi.
Azura: Your vile words won't change anything.
Takumi: YOU CAN GO SUCK GARON'S DICK TOO, AZURA, YOU'RE HIS ACTUAL DAUGHTER GO BACK TO NOHR YOU BOTH SUCK I HATE YOU ALL
Takumi: /throws tantrum
Hinoka: I'll go get his sippy cup.
Ryoma: Don't forget his blankie.
Hikaru: Takumi you're a dick.
Takumi: AND WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD SAY MY NAME, HIKARU?!
Hinoka: Takumi stop being a petulant child. You just saw Hikaru kill all those Nohrian soliders! He's on our side!
Azura: Can you guys just hug it out?
Takumi: No! Mother is dead! I am not hugging anything out!
Takumi: He's disowned!
Hikaru: Well on that note I think I will just go back to Nohr.
Ryoma: No, please don't.
Yukimura: What he said. Queen Mikoto loved you! This isn't what she would have wanted.
Takumi: THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ANYWAY, YUKIMURA? YOU FUCKING NERD
Ryoma: /ignoring Takumi/ What did she say to you, Yukimura?
Yukimura: She read the script and knew she was going to die since after all, she is a parent in a Fire Emblem game.
Ryoma: Those curs are just as bad as Disney!
Yukimura: So this isn't your fault, Hikaru. She saw King Garon writing furiously into the script and no one caught it until it was too late. I'm so sorry everyone.
Yukimura: But there might be an even darker force behind King Garon.
Ryoma: My god.
Yukimura: They call it EL James.

We are then told to look at a statue.

Hika: What is this, King Arthur?
Yukimura: But anyway this is the divine sword Yato. It's kind of like Excalibur.
Yukimura: with this you will prove that you are not, in fact, a piece of shit.
Yato: I CHOOSE YOU...HIKARU.
Hika: Uh. /hoists it in the air/ Yay?
Kaze: BTW HI GUYS I HAVE NEWS
Kaze: THE NOHRIANS ARE COMING
Ryoma: Thanks, Kaze.
Hika: Well this fucking sucks.
Azura: Agreed.
Azura: Also don't go fighting just yet or you will be a dragon 5ever and that's not good then you'll be no better than Godzilla.
Azura: Take this!
Hika: /You got a Dragonstone!
Hika: /presses A
Hika: Thanks, Azura. Let's fuck.
Azura: Sorry?
Hika: I said let's go down to the border to talk to Nohr.

In case you couldn't tell I have a lot of fun with this game. :D

 
 
 
 
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toucher of sleeping cats: Kaze[personal profile] sarajayechan on March 13th, 2016 11:12 pm (UTC)
I want Garon and Mikoto writing fanfic to be a thing now. This should be an AU crackfic. Including Takumi being a Bad Kitty.

And yeah, this game is awesome in a srs way but also so standard FE it's hard not to laugh. Also sometimes I wonder if it didn't take itself totally seriously in places even in Japanese. OH WELL IT'S FUN WHO CARES.

Edited 2016-03-13 11:13 pm (UTC)
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thenicochan: Cecil Kain Highfive[personal profile] thenicochan on March 14th, 2016 04:45 pm (UTC)
Hikaru is cute. Very much a badass Nohrian pirate. I can see him as a child wanting to play pirate with his siblings, with Camilla openly happy to join his games (she would, of course, be his first mate- the dazzling Wyvernia, the Amethyst Queen of the Seas) and would rope Xander and Leo into playing the opposing side of banditry (though they’d want a turn with Hikaru too, they also didn’t want to earn Camilla’s ire. Yikes!) because she would want her ‘darling little Hikky’ to be happy.

(Yes, I have headcanon for your character. WHAT HAS FANDOM WROUGHT?)

My first avatar of every game always gets my birthday, the second one usually gets 2 May for Reasons.

I usually give characters my DOB too, just because it’s easy. Occasionally I’ll give them a different one, but it’s always selected completely arbitrarily.


What a catch he is don't you want his Nohrian dick? I know I do. I'd rather have Xander's actually.


Can we just get a Nohrian sibling dogpile? Yeah, thanks. (And Camilla with a strapy)


in media res and who the hell are any of these people

Yay for vague prophecy dream thing! (Seriously though, this is so odd)


Also idk how old Xander and Ryoma are, I would say probs at least 18? But... YOU ARE FIGHTING LIKE FIVE YEAR OLDS WHO BOTH WANT TO PLAY WITH THE SAME TOY. You're adults! Act like it!


They strike me as early twenties IMO. They are very protective of you too. It’s sexy unnecessary

what is consistency

Ah, damn it. I never noticed this before. I’ll never not notice it now. Thanks, J.

Hikaru: Father, please, I am a peaceful fighter!
Garon: That doesn't even make sense.


Slow clap for Garon.

Kaze: Hikaru?! I was in love with a man by that name once...

“That was the name of a kid I knew years and years ago! COULD IT BE!?”

Hikaru: if it does I'll come back next turn tho it's fine

AU where Hikaru is aware of Phoenix Mode and pretty much lols in the face of all potential danger.

Garon: /evil Ganondorf like laughter

IKR!?

Elise: His name is Iago but he sounds like Zazu from The Lion King.

I also noticed this. LOL.

doesn't wear pants and just has a codpiece.

*sideeyes Camilla*

Hikaru's sword: LET'S COMMIT SUICIDE

Hint #1 that Hikaru should ditch the damn sword. A little genre savviness saves lives (poor, poor Mikoto),

Lilith: This is my true form!

Yay for plot twists(?) an hour into the game!

Lilith: Yes. I was able to become human. Or at least look human. And I decided to serve you because you saved me! But now I'm kind of stuck as this floating fish bird thing.

~reasons~

Kaze: Haven't you wondered why your siblings are blond and you're not?
Hikaru: Well Camilla isn't blonde, so no.


lulz

Sakura: well fuck me I sprained my damn ankle!

Okay. I died at this. Yes.

Hinoka: /ugly crais

*sage nod*

LOL she liked you a lot when you were little.

Like all older sisters in this universe, she wants your bone. To be fair, so do your big brothers. And little brothers. And little sisters. And dragon bird fish things.


Hinoka: We have a magical shield of convenience where soldiers can't fight us in our own kingdom, so as long as Mother doesn't, you know, die, Nohr can't invade!

The first few chapters really loves unexplained plot things (lol magical barriers and dragon-fish-bird-lady) but yeah. Good job breaking it, Hino.

Mikoto: And how the hell was I supposed to know that you would grow up to be so handsome?!

…And add “parents” to the list of familial relations who want your bone.

Mikoto: Throne Ex Machina.

*sage nod*

you have no one to blame but yourself for being a dick

Well…and a demon. But, yeah. Stop being a dick, Takumi,

SHE DOESN'T DIE UNTIL SHE KNOWS YOU'RE OKAY

Mikoto has gone to hang out with Lord Elbert, King Fado and Greil in the Awesome Parents in the Sky club.


you know, Hikaru as a dragon looks like a Pokemon crossed over with something from an HR Giger artwork.


I never noticed before, but you are so right.

Azura: It was that ancient dragon that lives inside you. He's kind of a dickish roommate tho

“But forget about that. We’re not gonna go in depth on that during two of the three storylines.”

Hika: The only princely D I would ever go after would be Xander's. Maybe Leo's. Definitely not yours.

You forgot Ryoma

Yukimura: She read the script and knew she was going to die since after all, she is a parent in a Fire Emblem game.

At least *someone* was genre savvy.

Hika: /presses A
Hika: Thanks, Azura. Let's fuck.
Azura: Sorry?
Hika: I said let's go down to the border to talk to Nohr.


<3


Amazing write-up. Really brightened my day. Can’t wait to read more. (I’ve been considering doing something like this myself with Path of Radiance, so we shall see if I join you in recap funland). Was definitely the best thing I read all day.
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