Now with userpics to denote which Fates game I'm playing on for easier referencing! :D

So yesterday I had downloaded Revelation and the first map pack of DLC goodies and today I decided to check out two of them because why not. (I really should do that money one esp in Conquest so I can have all the gold for my staves...)

Of course this has spoilers so proceed under the read more if you've either played them already or you don't care about no stinkin' spoilers. Also there are pics of things! Because Chrom was my husband once.


Before Awakening...

So Jakob tells Karu he thought he saw some sort of weird invisible-but-not warriors, and they went into some portal that ended up in a forest of some kind. Upon arriving, we find a suspiciously attractive blue haired fellow, a short blonde girl with pigtails, and some guy who looks at us like we're gonna slit the blue haired guy's throat any moment now. Who could these people be...?


You were my husband in another life...

Anyway yes. This is Chrom, wielder of Falchion (which can kill me in one hit, because lol half dragon), father of Lucina (and Morgan, potentially), and descendant of some other blue haired guy I beat in a map once after he visited me three times on the astral plane. And he sounded weird compared to when I met him in Smash Brothers...

(I won't get into how I feel about Marth having an English voice.)

Also is it just me or is Chrom more attractive in this game than he was in Awakening?

Karu: He sounds like my brother Ryoma...

That's because they're voiced by the same guy.

Also this is the first time I've heard the Awakening cast speaking in English because I always used the Japanese voices (because that game had dual audio). But Chrom does sound like Ryoma. I laughed.


Seriously look at him.

Also I love how this is pre-Awakening and he's already level 30 wtf Chrom. You have one skill, and you should be promoted ffs.

(I'm gonna have to play this map with combat animations on so I can see if the models have feet finally.)

So you can have Corrin talk to Chrom, Lissa, and Frederick. I recommend bringing Odin because he can also talk to Lissa. And Jakob can talk to Frederick.

Karu and Chrom talked about how they are royals and how he's actually heard of Hoshido and Nohr but fails to explain what he means by "mythical kingdoms", and how he trusts her and stuff like that. I miss you, Chrom ♥ When Karu talked to Lissa, she offered Karu a spot on the Shepherds, but naturally Karu can't accept the offer and she says, "I'm sure you'll meet some interesting people on your journeys who would love to help." That cheers Lissa considerably. And then Karu talks to Frederick, who demands proof that she is a Nohrian princess. Unable to produce any, Frederick basically serves her with a restraining order against Chrom and Lissa, and Karu is put out because she just wanted to be friends!

Meanwhile Jakob and Frederick start out having a pissing contest but end up being BFFs because of their love for their respective lieges.

AND THEN THERE IS ODIN, who is familiar with these people seeing as Chrom is his uncle and Lissa is his mother.


Good job, Odin! You nearly blew it! She hasn't even met your dad yet and here you are, nearly calling her "mother". I know if I were Lissa, I'd wonder how the fuck you became a mage instead of a myrmidon like your dad, but you know. That's what reclassing is for.

(Owain's dad in my game was Lon'qu, so Owain has only ever been a myrmidon, which is his secondary class.)


LOOK AT THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE daaaaamn Odin you fiiiiine. You did good, Lissa. You did good.

Also I keep reading "Odin" as being pronounced "Ah-deen" whoops, it's supposed to be like Odin the Norse god, but this is a case of being in one fandom for too long. (Though him assassinating people with a Killing Edge is suddenly really appropriate... No, Karu, stop, he's not Odin Lowe.)

Owain you are breaking like every time traveling rule by interacting with your mom gdit I know that was the plot of Awakening but I'm just letting you know that this type of thing is frowned upon.


Why is this hard to believe?! You came from the future in the first place.

You know this is a terrible time to remember that his buddy Niles is voiced, in the Japanese version, by the same guy who voices Lon'qu. Welp.


Good job, Odin. There are better ways to change your name in the future you know. (Lissa decided that "Odin Dark" is a rather heroic sounding name, and that is why she wants to name her future son that.)

Ugh family feels. OWAIN WAS MY SON IN ONE PLAYTHROUGH TOO AHAHAHA and I can marry him again as a first gen in Fates, what has the world come to?

Anyway this is a "rout everything" mission and you have Chrom, Lissa, and Frederick as allied units, and you can choose I think five units of your own (counting Karu and I think Jakob, definitely bring Odin with you). I had Karu, Jakob, Odin, Xander, and Elise. THERE ARE REINFORCEMENTS FROM THE FORTS oh and like half of the enemies Lunge you I fucking hate Lunge it messed up everything fuck you, Lunge, fuck you.

There is a chance of getting some kind of cool item from this DLC, but all I got was a lousy pebble from Frederick. Thanks, Frederick. It's because you don't trust me, isn't it?

Anyway, after we left, it goes into a text conversation version of the opening of Awakening, when they find an unconscious Robin... What's nice about this text convo is it uses all of the spoken stuff from the opening, which in Awakening is an FMV cutscene. It was a nice touch, I thought.

---

Beach Brawl

Karu received a ticket to some island paradise somewhere, but for some reason she didn't want to go... So now her siblings on both sides are fighting over who should actually have the ticket. Because we can't just use rock paper scissors for shit like this, we have to fight.


I'm using Conquest for this DLC, so of course I'm siding with Nohr. Nohr 5ever.


Of course I'm picking Team Xander. He's my husband in the file I'm using. My husband deserves a vacation! Doesn't yours?!

So you have to fight the rest of the siblings to see who will win a ticket to paradise! With just your retainers as your units plus whoever their liege is. So because I picked Xander, I had him plus Inigo Laslow and Peri. And I don't know if my Peri got fucked but she could not hit anything unless an ally was next to her. She missed every fucking time otherwise! Xander, your retainer cannot swing an axe and hit someone if her life depended on it! Which it kind of did... She died 50 times. (I'm playing on Phoenix Mode.) I'M NOT EXAGGERATING because she died every turn.

Some units have conventional weapons (Raider Axe on Peri, Bone Axe on Laslow, Kodachi on Hana, etc.), whereas others are fighting with sticks and umbrellas (no joke) and bottles of all things. Subaki fought me with a goddamn pine branch. I am just picturing them picking up whatever was next to them at the time before going all out. Xander happened to have an umbrella and a stick nearby. (Umbrellas are ranged weapons too.) But then there's other weapons...


How stale is that bread that you have an 80% chance of hitting someone with it?! You're a master ninja! Don't you have shuriken on you at all times?! Picture a ninja running after someone with a fucking baguette. I dare you. It's no match for my umbrella ella ella ay ay mother fucker.


I am not entirely sure it could be done in less turns as Xander, personally, since you have to rout everyone and they're at ALL CORNERS OF THE MAP which is very large. Goddamn.

Anyway, Xander won the ticket, so he fucks off to paradise somewhere. Peri and Laslow receive a letter delivered by Anna that contains a letter and an "interesting" picture.



Here's the full picture, because I feel that's important.


(Image courtesy of the Fire Emblem wikia)

My husband, everyone.


Nope, sorry, Laslow.

Apparently the toy was needed because Xander can't swim. He can't dog paddle, even. He just sinks. Like a rock, most likely.

In his letter, he tells them that he's having a good time, for Peri to hold her tears (because she misses her liege so much) and for Laslow to tone down the flirting. He also sent Peri a list of all the seashells he's encountered (their lustre, size, scientific name, etc.), and a list to Laslow of all the beautiful women he encountered (names, ages, family heritage, occupations, etc.) because Xander is nothing if not thorough.

I should probably go and do something in Revelation now...